When we sit in calm, muddy water.

Lately, I have made every effort on improving my concentration while meditating and although there are valuable and proven techniques that are available and always welcome, there are times when I struggle. The very idea of struggling to concentrate becomes a new problem and by the time I have managed to bring my focus back to the present moment, another thought kicks in, taking me away from the here and now.

I found that when meditating in the evening, all thoughts that occurred during the day seem to come back and their associated emotions with them. Just like steering calm muddy water, it all comes back to the surface and before I know it, negative emotions have taken over. As soon as we pause and become still, our mind seems to start a brand-new journey all by itself, leaving us far behind. Starting with the odd question “oh, why did I say that?” moving on to the affirmation “that was so out of order” to the ruminating “It is Spring, why is it so cold?”  and ending with the unattainable fantasy (we all have one) before starting all over again. Our meditation practice seems to start on the soft notes of the Sugar plum fairy song but to our disbelief it rapidly goes crescendo to J. Hendrix’s Star-Spangled Banner.

I have made myself a promise to never end a day on a negative note, with that firm intention in mind, my evening meditation should be crystal clear. Well, it is not that simple. The truth is: thoughts occur, we cannot control them. Today, I labelled each external factor with the matching emotion felt at the time and what came out predominantly was: 1. I feel annoyed and 2. I feel frustrated and angry (those two love to go in pair).

During a normal day, negative emotions appear when we find ourselves in certain situations, for example, if we are treated or witness somebody being treated with disrespect or lack of consideration or more generally, if we spend too much time reading or watching the news (they are pure pessimism at times). The way we approach and experiment external factors can lead to so much negativity towards ourselves and towards others.

I have found that negative thoughts love to spiral into an uncontrollable waltz leading to emotions that thrive in giving us the illusion that they are us and we are them. Ultimately, externally infused negativity will manifest in our behaviours that will then, feed our thoughts, emotions... Yes, it is an ugly vicious circle.

My little personal truth is, the sun will always hide and come out (and I am sorry to say that when you live in the UK, it hides for most part of the year). The World will always be a beautiful, mysterious and sometimes unfair place to be, and yes, we are all part of it. What will change, on the other hand, is how we adapt our perception and our growing awareness that unpleasant emotions will eventually fade away. We cannot control the weather but for what remains, sadness can be replaced with a happy thought or a benevolent action (think of one). Frustration can be broken down into pieces with gratitude and I like to dissipate my anger with compassion. Self-care is a powerful antidote to external stresses; it has even become therapeutic.

Allowing ourselves to sit with our feelings, regardless of their quality instead of pushing them away, is already a huge step towards welcoming positivity back in our lives. We are in charge.

Evening meditation practice, here I am.